How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it

What do you call a flying bagel? A plane bagel

Why can’t you tell when a pterodactyl is urinating? The P is silent

Why did sally fall off the swings? She had no arms

Knock knock. Who’s there? Not Sally

What do you call a rodent that hangs out on your face? A Chin-Chilla

Why can’t ghosts tell jokes? You can see right through them

A family of moles wake up one morning. The mama mole sticks her head out the mole hole and takes a big wiff of air. “I smell pancakes!” she said

The daddy mole sticks his head out the mole hole and sniffs the air, “Those don’t smell like pancakes, it’s definitely waffles!”

The baby mole, curious about the smell, tries to stick his head out the hole as well. “I don’t know what you’re talking about!” he says, “All I can smell are molasses!”

So a man is having a drink at a bar when a woman approaches him. She tells him “500 bucks I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time” the man agrees seeing it as an easy way to get pleasure and $500.

She takes him into a room and turns off the light and goes down on him. Not five seconds later she starts singing the national anthem. The man gives her $500 and leaves completely baffled. 

He comes back to the same bar a week later and spots the same woman from across the bar. She eventually approaches him and asks, “500 bucks I can’t suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time.” The man agrees, but claims he has to go to his car first.

From his car he grabs a flashlight. The woman takes him into the same room and turns off the lights. He waits until she starts singing and turns on the flashlight.

The first thing he saw, on the table right next to them, was a glass eyeball.

you’re welcome 

Binghamton is bout to be stomped into the ground

those two were for jesuslice for liking my words you go girl

something something danger zone 

hi comrades I’m back for more hilarious adventures

when i was twelve i went to hell for snuffing jesus

some of my super neat patches